Silence

So we didn't hear anything about those last two kids.  They were taken off the web site about three days after we inquired, so I assume that means that they are no longer available.  Good for them!

Silence is something you just have to get used to in this process.  We are so happy, though, that we know that our case worker is busy trying to find our boys for us.  She just emailed me asking about a pair that she just got a broadcast on, so we'll see what happens there.

Back on the Horse

After our experience with the boys in July, we retreated a bit and were just happy to wait for our social worker to find us a match.  Well, we've found another potential pair on the same web site that we've inquired about.  This is another pair of boys, 4 and 6.  We learned our lesson and are not getting our hopes up.  They may also have major issues as the last two, but I can't imagine that they can be much worse.

We should find out more next week.  I'll be sure to let you know what happens!

Expanding Our Search

After some discussion, Matt and I have decided to expand our search a bit.  We had previously decided against infants, but we've let our social worker know that we are ok with ages 0-8.  There are a lot of benefits, which outweigh the negatives, of adopting a baby.  There will be more time to bond and hopefully less long-term issues.  Our social worker recently mentioned that she found an infant and a 3 year-old, but passed due to our preferences.

No more!  Hopefully this speeds up the process a bit, too.

I also have an update on the two kids that we had inquired about previously - they found their forever homes.  I am very happy for them and hope they have happy lives  :)

Our First View of Reality

So we got the psych evaluations on the two kids that we were looking in to adopting.  We weren't prepared for what we read.  They came from an abusive environment and were so affected by it that they may have issues that will never be remedied.  Neither of them are very verbal and have major behavior problems.  The evaluations were enough to bring me to tears.

We knew that this kind of thing may exist, but this is the first time we've seen it.  We have decided that we would probably not be a good fit for these boys.  We are green parents and don't know how to deal with situations that severe.  Yes, we could learn, but I could see this kind of thing causing a riff between the two of us, which isn't good for anyone.

We feel horrible having to say no.  These boys are in their situation through no fault of their own and I really wish I could help.  We're just not there yet.  We couldn't help but think about their future. They will likely stay in the foster system until they're 18.  After that, who knows what the future holds for them.  I can't help but wonder if a lot of the people that end up on a bad path have to start out their lives this way.  They don't really stand a chance.

Submitted Our Home Study

So we have talked a lot about the two kids that we found on the web site.  We have decided to move ahead and submit our home study.  This doesn't mean we're committing to adopt, but that we are interested in learning more about the kids.  Barring any major red flags on our side and should their case worker think we're a good match, we may just move ahead with the adoption.

The steps from here are not clear for me, but I suspect things may move quickly.  The kids are on the other side of the state.  I'm not getting too excited yet, because it's still pretty early in the process.  However, Matt and I have discussed this quite a bit, and we think we're ready.  Let's go!

Our First Inquiry

Once a week, I browse through the Texas Adoption and Resource Exchange (TARE) web site, where they list kids that need to find their forever homes.  It's usually older kids or kids with some serious issues, but this week I came upon a pair that looked promising enough to prompt me to email our case worker.

It's two boys, brothers, ages 3 and 7.  It sounds like a good match.  We'll see what our case worker has to say about it.  That's as far as this has gotten, and we may find out that they are a bit too much for us to handle, but it's a start!

The holidays without kids

As each holiday comes and we don't have kids, I get more excited about the things that we will do as a family.  Right now, holidays really don't mean much to us.  Sometimes we'll go through the motions - tomorrow (4th of July), we're having a few friends over, grilling out, playing some yard games and might go check some local fireworks.  All in all, though, we could take it or leave it.

I imagine what these days will be like when we have kids.  I think back to my childhood and how special holidays were - fireworks, carnivals, family and friends, food, music, etc.  I can't wait to start those traditions with my kids and make these times special for them as well.

Our social worker popped by for a home visit this week, but still nothing on the horizon.  There is a web site that we can go and look for kids awaiting home, but they are mostly older kids with very special needs.  We're just being patient and I know our time is coming!

Our First Adoption Event

From time to time, DFPS coordinates events to allow kids that need parents with parents who need kids.  Today was the first time we attended one of these events.

As I do with everything, I thought way too much going into the event.  I had no idea what it was going to be like.  We received a flyer calling it an "adoption fair".  It also stated that it would be at a park and "water activities" would be involved.  I pictured complete chaos with kids running every which direction and social workers chasing after the strays.

What actually happened was much more organized.  The DFPS staff did a great job and all of the kids were very well behaved.  There were only kids 8 and up, so we didn't meet our kids there, but we still had a good time.  We had to put our parental hats on for the first time ever, so that was very different.  Instead of being the folks on the sidelines having trouble participating, we found ourselves finding those kids on the sidelines and helping them participate.

There were about 50-75 kids total and maybe 20 couples or so.  We helped some of the younger kids learn to fish and Matt helped them take the fish off the hooks when they caught them.  We also took some kids out canoeing.  It really was a good time and helped us get used to interacting with kids, which is a skill neither of us has yet.  We also got to spend some more time talking to our case worker, which was nice.  The more we get to know one another, the better.

Post-Home Study

So the home study agent left and we were told that we would be contacted by our case worker.  I let two weeks lapse, but we still didn't hear anything.  After a few emails and a call, I got a response.  They were now missing our siblings' occupations and couldn't find our pet vaccination certificates.  I got them both in about five minutes and waited another two weeks.

After a few more emails and a call (this just seems to be how the process works), we were told that we were officially licensed to adopt in the state of Texas.  A week later, we actually received the license without having to ask for it!  I was given the number of the next supervisor we would be dealing with.  I waited another two weeks and made another call.

This next guy called me back the same day and said that our file was being sent to our new case worker.  She called me the next day!  We were starting to feel optimistic at this point.  We scheduled an appointment for her to come out and visit with us (the same week even).

She came out and gave the house a quick once-over.  She didn't like dogs, so we had to lock Harley up, which I thought was unfortunate.  The home study agent loved Harley.  Anyway, she talked with us about the kids that we were interested in.  We have been approved for up to three kids, 0-10.  We told her that we're really just interested in two, but would think about three if the circumstances were right.  The same applied for a baby.  She said that most sibling groups are at least three and usually have a 0-2 year old with them. 

She also said that she was going to start submitting our study for kids that meet our criteria the next week.  Matt and I felt pretty good after this meeting.

So that catches you up.  That was two weeks ago.  We know it's a matter of time, so we're starting to take the time to enjoy each other alone and live the kid-less life while we've got it.  I'll keep posting here about my feelings throughout this process and updates as we get them.

Home Study

Now that we finally had our paperwork completed, we were approved for a home study.  This is a critical part of the process.  A person came to our home and interviewed us and inspected the home.  This was do or die time.  If we didn't pass, that was pretty much it.  I believe there is an appeals process and they do allow you a chance to remedy what's wrong, but still.

It took about two weeks after our paperwork was officially approved until the home study.  They will give all sorts of timelines for you, but don't believe them.  You really need to stay on top of your trainer to make sure things are still moving along.

Our home study rep came to our house and conducted the interviews.  To prepare, I would recommend reading the minimum standards document as well as the guidelines for home study officials, which is all available on the DFPS web site.  We had done so and felt prepared.  She interviewed both of us for a while and asked the same types of questions on the application - what genders, how many, race, etc...  This took about 30 minutes.  We felt quite at ease with our rep.

She then split us up and asked about backgrounds and such.  She asked about how we were raised, asked out our relationships with family members, work status, etc.  She also asked about any red flags that came up during our PRIDE class and references.  There wasn't much to discuss there.  The most useful part of this study was going over the issues that we would be able to deal with.  For example, we said that we could handle mild autism or emotional issues, but probably not a disability such as downs syndrome.  She put us at ease on those issues and really added a lot on what she thought we could handle.  We had no experience in that regard, after all.

Right before she left, she said that she was going to submit us as an approval.  Then there was more waiting...

Let the Paperwork Begin

PRIDE training was all over and we had handed in all of our paperwork.  We were ready for our call to set up the home study.  Only that call didn't come.  I regularly called our trainer to find out where we stood.  I called about once every two weeks and emailed about as often.  Every time I talked to them, it turned out that there was extra paperwork that we needed.

For example, we needed background checks from each state that we had lived in over the last 10 years.  We sent those out, but it takes time to get the results.  We also had to get our gas lines checked to make sure there were no leaks.  There was a lot of confusion on that topic.  We were told to contact the city and arrange for an inspection.  However, we we called them, they didn't know anything about that process.  We called out a regular plumber, but he said that the house needed at least $500 of work to bring it up to code.

We were a bit at a loss at this point.  We were renting our house and didn't want to pay that much for a place that wasn't ours.  Our landlord wasn't going to pay them, and I don't blame them (it wasn't their decision to adopt kids).  After a couple of months trying to find alternatives, we hired another plumber.  After looking at the house for about 15 minutes, he gave us a clean bill of health.  We sent the invoice in and that was sufficient.  Lesson learned - don't make things more complicated than they need to be.

There were other odd bits of information that seemed to hold up our process such as not having our siblings' occupations.  I'm not sure why my sister in Wisconsin's occupation has any bearing on our ability to raise kids, but whatever.  We submitted that as well.

This wasn't just a month or two process.  It took a year from the time we finished our PRIDE training to the time we were finally approved for a home study.  Patience.  Lots of patience.

PRIDE Training

So we waited patiently for our training classes to begin.  During that few months, we started to imagine situations with kids.  We started to visualize every-day tasks such as grocery shopping with two boys.  We would discuss how we would handle temper tantrums and other scenarios.  I strongly suggest this to anyone thinking about adoption.  Not only does it help to prepare you to suddenly have older kids, but it also helps both you and your partner make sure you're on the same issue.

April came and it was finally time for class to start.  We weren't sure exactly what to expect.  The classes in Texas are call PRIDE.  They were every Saturday for about 6-8 hours and lasted 6 weeks (at least I think so).  We were in class with 6 other potential parents and the group was diverse.  There were some folks there for adoption only (like us), some for foster only, some whom already knew the kids they were adopting (family members) and some foster/adopt mix.  One couple dropped out after the first week.

We came into the class thinking that we had our paperwork done.  That was so far from true.  We were given a 4" binder with the class paperwork and a checklist of paperwork that we would need to assemble before the class was done.  The checklist was three pages long.  Every week we'd get a bit more done.  For example, we had to be fingerprinted for FBI background screens, take pictures of every room in our house, create a scrapbook of sorts for us (used as marketing material for yourself when it's time to be matched with kiddos), get pet vaccination certificates, etc etc etc.

The class itself was informative, but it mostly reaffirmed that Matt and I were really ready for this.  We had already discussed pretty much everything they presented.  They certainly don't hold any punches when trying to prepare you for the difficult situations that you will face.  We learned a lot about how sexual or physical abuse affects kids, how different kids are at different stages of development, how to be a bit empathetic toward the parents of these abused or neglected kids, etc.  Some days were more difficult to take in, but we muscled through it.  They assigned a lot of homework, too.

By the end of the last class, we had all of our paperwork handed in and we were ready for our home visit!  At least that's what we thought...

Step One - The Orientation Meeting

So we had decided to adopt through the state of Texas.  Great.  Now what?

We did our research and found this site:  http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Get_Started/default.asp.  This led us to our first step - attending an orientation meeting.  We attended a meeting in mid-January.

They are held a few times per month.  We live in Galveston County, so we had to go up to Houston for our meeting.  It lasted a couple of hours and we were given our initial application to fill out.  We also found out a little bit more about the steps involved in adopting kids in Texas.  So far, it sounded like it would be a breeze!

We filled out the application and handed it in after the class.  We also learned that we would need to attend a training class, so we were signed up shortly after that.  We then met our first big delay.  The next available class in our area was in April.

We were also given a sheet with some of the documents that we would have to have available for the class.  We quickly assembled that info and waited.  We weren't necessarily happy about the wait, but we had no choice.

Why adopt?

It's been about four years since I ended my last blog.  I thought it time that Matt and I start to document our "adventures" in adoption.  We have wanted to start a family since we got together in 2004, but it really didn't feel like the correct time until we got to Houston.  Matt has reached his career goal and we know that we're here for the long run.

We have conceived several times, but all ended in a miscarriage.  We decided that having babies wasn't in the cards for us, so we turned to adoption.  It wasn't a difficult decision at all.  The decision to keep going through the process...that was a different story.

We decided to adopt through the foster system here in Texas.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, there are many kids right here in our back yard that need stable and loving families.  I just wouldn't have felt right about going to another country and adopting a baby there.  That's another thing - since we get to choose, we're skipping babies altogether.  I would rather not have to go through diapers and crying.  Finally, the cost for adopting through the state is traditionally much cheaper than a private adoption.

There were many other decisions to be made such as gender, age, disabilities and more.  Ultimately, we have decided that we're looking for a sibling group - two brothers.  I really would like to experience the pre-school phase, so we've requested a 3- or 4- year old.  We're ok with the other child being up to 8 years old.  In other words, a pre-schooler and an elementary school kid.

We realize that we have no idea what we're in for.  In the coming posts, I'll go through each step of our journey.